remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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