What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Even my vagina gasped.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
