Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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