Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
