Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize