yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
