Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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