i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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