I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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