I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
