mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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