i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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