I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
