Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
