i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
