Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
