Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
