Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
