I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
