I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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