i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
