I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
