I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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