I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
