Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Randomize
