two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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