The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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