I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
