i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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