i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
