Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
