The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
