Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
