I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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