I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
