im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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