Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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