im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
