Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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