evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize