booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
