At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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