The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
