Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
