i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
