i love accidental penises.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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