from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
