matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
