Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
