he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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