I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
