Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize