Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
