i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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