In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
