Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
