So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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