What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize