I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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