I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
