My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
