I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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