she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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