If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize