He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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