Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
